erratic evolution

Melancholy

I'd forgotten how much I liked "Blue Mask", from the Weiß Kreuz series. The song is so melancholy... and sometimes, I feel like that. I like all the lyrics, but the lines

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Aoi kamen tsuke
Rekishi ni odotta
Itsuka wasurerare
Soshite kiete ikou

(I'll don a blue mask
And dance through history
Someday I'll be forgotten
And finally fade away)

really touch a chord in me... in a way, I want to go through life without touching anyone, so that when I die, I won't be missed. I'll fade away, like the wind in the trees. People will look up, see the branches gently waving in the breeze, and they'll move on with their lives.

At the side of the house, my dad's digging a ditch to put in a drain pipe... we've got enough rocks in the dirt to build a small retaining wall, I swear. But anyway... I was out back, looking in the long (20-30 ft) but shallow scratch (a foot and a half) in the ground, and I was... I remember being so disgusted because it smelled so bad. It was dirty, and it smelled so bad... smell is a big deal for me. I don't like perfumes or scented soaps and lotions because they give me a detectable scent, and I don't like that.

I remember thinking, "When I die, I don't want to be buried in the ground! In such a place that is so dirty and smells so bad..." Ideally, I'd like my body to completely vanish when I die because I kind of feel like a dead body pollutes the earth (it's a Zoroastrian idea that I kinda agree with). But since I can't just cease to exist, I want to be cremated. Everything - flesh, hair, bones - everything, I want it burned. Burned to the finest possible ash. And then dumped into a body of water that leads into the ocean. I don't want my ashes to be scattered over land; I feel as if I'll be stuck in the dirt, in that one place forever; somehow, it'd tie me to this earth forever, and that would be my Hell. If I can make it to the ocean, I think I'll be part of everything. I'll be everywhere at once - in the rain, in the soil, in the plants, in the animals that eat the plants. And I think I could finally rest.

Which brings me to a subject Erin brought up yesterday - reincarnation. I'm not sure if I believe in it or not, but these two paragraphs assume it does. If I've got past lives... I'd like to learn about them. Who I was, what I did, where I lived... that's also a big deal for me. Location matters. I'd like to visit my past homes - but only once. The idea of that "last trip home" matters very much to me, but it's exactly that - a final visit. Once I've been there, I will never purposely return. I am who I am now; the other me's are dead.

I believe that everyone's got a purpose in life, even if it's only to leave the world a better place than when they enter. But I wonder if there's a Higher purpose - something the soul has to ultimately learn or do in order to move on to Judgment. If in this life, I don't achieve that, then it'll be okay if I'm reborn. But if my soul accomplished its task in a previous incarnation, then this is Hell. I've done my duty, I've enjoyed life... my God, just let me Finally die!

I think it's one of the reasons Weiß Kreuz touches a chord in me... people who are looking for rest. In a sense, Aya, Ken, Youji, and Omi are all dead men walking, Aya more than any of them (in my opinion). He lives for one goal only, and if he were to die trying to accomplish it... I don't think his life matters to him anymore. And then his sister wakes up, and he lives again.

Kathryn, I am so sorry... it's my fault. I encouraged you, I cajoled you, I... it was my mistake. My hope clouded my judgment. I failed, and I apologize. There's just no other way to say it.

September 28, 2002 10:02 PM