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12/10/2003 Archived Entry: "please excuse the ranting. this will pass like all things do."

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time. That I could have lived in some of the moments of my past. But they pass. And then everything changes.

I hate when I see things coming...and I don't like what I see. And then when it happens I feel so...guilty. Even though I couldn't have stopped it, I still saw it. But then, if I was looking ahead when I was driving...and I saw two cars turning around the corner ahead of me that looked like they were going to hit. And then they do hit, it's not my fault right? But I could have honked at them, or maybe tried to get in front of one of them, or something...I did honk though. I did warn....and now?

I miss the person I used to know. She was a good friend and confidant. Fun to be around, a little frustrating at points, but she was loyal and sometimes very generous. Naive, hot-tempered but still patient. She was innocent......and now she doesn't exist anymore.

Sometimes I'm a little angry. Because circumstances or not, things shouldn't have broken this easily. I hate fighting for a person that won't fight for me, but it always manages to end up this way. I suppose I still would have fought even if I didn't get the same in return...but it still hurts.

Someday things will be ok. Because I should realize everything passes. But at the same time "Don't let your hearts grow numb. Stay alert. It is your soul which matters."

I will survive. I will grow. But....I still miss the past sometimes. I miss the past right now.

Ulysses

by Alfred Tennyson
It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel; I will drink
Life to the lees. All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea. I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known,-- cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honor'd of them all,--
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains; but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
to whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,--
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfill
This labor, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.

There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail;
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me,--
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads,-- you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honor and his toil.
Death closes all; but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks;
The long day wanes; the slow moon climbs; the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends.
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

She still exists, she's just confused on alot of things right now. All friends go through a great period of tears. Some of us realised it junior year with our best friend and we both cried about the fact that our group was falling apart. People change. Tis inevitable. If they didn't change, there would be problems. I'm definitely sure that this will pass, and you guys will be better friends for it. :-) Or else you'll be the type of friends who randomly im each other to hang out after not talking to each other for six months.

Btw. The reason for the choice of layouts is because it's the same Saiyuki cept 500 years earlier. The past is the same....sorta.

I'm feeling morbid. Thank you though.