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11/17/2003 Archived Entry: "You say, Dream's a dream, I ain't gonna play the fool anymore. You say, cause I still got my soul"

I love you all. You all rock so much and I probably don't deserve friends like you all. You guys rock. Thanks for putting up with my funk.

I was having a wonderful dream last night...lots and lots and lots of really great deserts. There were spiced perfectly and tasted great and weren't increadably filling. I don't think I like the feeling of full. Maybe it's because I get bloated easily. But they were all delicious. There was this wonderful cinnamon fruit tart. And then there was a cream lemon cake. And a blueberry and cranberry tortlette. And a light chocolate mousse with dark chocolate layer on top. And even more than that. Everything was spiced just right and so delicious and didn't give me that bloated feeling. Ahhh. good dream.

Then it morphed into where I was sitting in some field on a hill. A beautiful sunny field on some farm. There was even a little overgrown gravel path. And there was guy in a white/grey cloak. The cloak looked rather like a thin bell. I didn't feel in danger but I felt that it'd probably be wise to run away from him. But I still gave him a chance to speak cause it's unfair not to let others get an answer in. He said "Why have you forsaken me. You have forgotten me therefor you have forsaken me." I knew for sure he wasn't a deity or anything so I ran the fuck away. I was in a huge field so I was able to. So I ran. But his words kept following me and made me feel guilty. And then I thought, "There's no one here that would make remembering worth it." And that made me feel a little less guilty and then I stopped dreaming and really fell asleep.

Usually my dreams aren't this detailed or make this much....sense. It was different. Not a normal dream. (Normal meaning really really screwed up. Like going to a Watermelon competition in Chicago during a sandstorm with my ex-coworker and dog. That sort of screwed up.)

I managed to get download finished. Miyavi live doing a performance of Hatachi Kinenbi. He's just too cute. It's sort of refreshing watching it, because as silly and feminine he can be I sometimes forget how well he can just "rock out". He's a friggin rock star. It makes me wish I could have seen that Live. ahhhh. *daydream* I wish I could have been there.

The more I think about things...the more I never want to be anyone but myself. Even if I have problems, even if sometimes things aren't the best, even if I can be lazy and emotional, I still exist. For some strange reason I exist. It's why I like watching stars so much. It's such a huge world. The star stretch out seemingly endlessly. I'm just a speck, even less than a speck, not even a atom, maybe an uber microatom, in comparison to the universe. And yet I still exist. For some strange reason I exist. Death doesn't scare me as much as not existing does. Not existing sounds like the most lonely experience possible. You don't even have thoughts and memories to keep one company. Just....nothing.

Perhaps existing is a tiring experience. I know I grow tired when I dream too much. Not sleep, dream. I feel exhasted after some dreams. When I think about some of the things I've learned in this world, about how difficult change is and how somethings will never change...it makes me feel very tired.

I think I need to learn how to just Be better. Stop thinking so much and just learn to live. Maybe I already know how and just don't know that I do or how to start.