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06/17/2003 Archived Entry: "Woo~ I have a bunch of days off."
I have been trying to figure out excuses as to why I haven't blogged much.
I've been working for one, and it's given me less time to let myself think. Which is probably a good thing.
Also something isn't right in the world. Not that it's ever truely right in the first place but...I dunno. Food tastes bitter or tasteless and that's always a bad sign. I don't like saying bad things.
Nothing insanely interesting has happened. Other than the usual...though I did have a fun time hanging out with Nigaki, Tomo, Kathryn, David and Ben. I pushed some kids around on a merry go round. good fun. =)
I don't know. I'm feeling uber emotional right now. But I can't really write it off as PMS or something because I've felt this way for a while now. *laughs* I cried about a friggin cookie at work. a cookie! I can laugh about it and all because I guess it was half faked, but I really honestly was upset about my coworker eating my cookie and throwing the rest of it away before I even took a single bite. He ate my cookie! My COOKIE! He didn't eat the cookie I got after that though. ^____^
I don't know. I've been going through changes. Trying to figure out my perception of the world and exactly how I'm placed in it. Some things are still the same and some things will always be the same. But others I just don't know. I'm kind of envious of people who catch onto things like this so quickly. They're dictated their life's goals and they follow them so blindly. I can't do that and it scares me. Why can't I do something that's so simple and natural for most people.
Ok. No more dangerous thinking. Time for bed. Time for bed.
If you have, you join an elite group of about 6 people (especially on sunday....).
Knowledge of misery. -- Perhaps there is nothing that separates men or ages more profoundly than a difference in their knowledge of misery: misery of the soul as well as the body. Regarding the latter we moderns may well be, all of us, in spite of our frailties and infirmities, tyros who rely on fantasies, for lack of any ample firsthand experience -- compared to the age of fear, the longest of all ages, in which individuals had to protect themselves. In those days, one received ample training in bodily torments and deprivations and one understood even a certain cruelty against oneself and a voluntary habitation to pain as a necessary means of self-preservation. In those days, one educated those close to one to endure pain; in those days, one enjoyed inflicting pain and saw the worst things of this kind happen to others without feeling anything but -- one's own safety. But regarding misery of the soul, I now look at every person to see whether he knows this from experience or only from descriptions; whether he still considers it necessary to simulate this knowledge, say, as a sign of refinement, or whether at the bottom of his soul he no longer believes in great pains of the soul and has much the same experience when they are mentioned that he has at the mention of great physical sufferings, which make him think of his own toothaches and stomachaches. But that is how matters seem to me to stand with most people today.
The general lack of experience of pain of both kinds and the relative rarity of the sight of anyone who is suffering have an important consequence: pain is now hated much more than was the case formerly; one speaks much worse of it; indeed, one considers the existence of the mere thought of pain scarcely endurable and turns it into a reproach against the whole of existence.
The emergence of pessimistic philosophies is by no means a sign of great and terrible misery. No, these question marks about the value of all life are put up in ages in which the refinement and alleviation of existence make even the inevitable mosquito bites of the soul and the body seem much too bloody and malignant and one is so poor in real experiences of pain that one would like to consider painful general ideas as suffering of the first order.
There is a recipe against pessimistic philosophers and the excessive sensitivity that seems to me the real "misery of the present age" -- but this recipe may sound too cruel and might itself be counted among the signs that lead people to judge that "existence is something evil." Well, the recipe against this "misery" is: misery.---Nietzsche
I know I'm spoiled in my comforts. I know I haven't endured alot in comparison to some. But that doesn't mean I don't understand. And that also doesn't mean I don't feel quilty for it. I feel damn guilty for being so lucky in life. And I feel even more quilty that I feel so awful all the time because I should be counting my blessings right?
And btw. No. I haven't had any fights with anyone in fact. Other than Risha who I need to some how make things up to her.
I know you want me to rationalize myself out of it. It's frustrating that others can't see the way you see things. But I can't because I've tried for a long long time.
I'm sorry. I'm just getting more and more emotional again. *laughs* sorry. I'm sorry Liz. you're still a good friend.
The fight things are going on here. The standard fight for independence, or the I'm too dang tired to deal with you people so I'm going to hold my door shut and ....you get the idea. Some is me, some is Sara, some is Sarah, some is Sarah, some is Crystal.........and some is Mike. I know way too many sarah/sara's.