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05/19/2003 Archived Entry: "my brain is full and my stomach is too. so what's the problem?"
There's so much in my life I don't understand. I wish I did. I don't know. I sort of have a reasonable idea of how to deal with the people I care about. But how about the rest of the world? How about the people I dislike? I can forgive almost anything that would happen to me, but what about those that hurt the people I care about? Should I forgive them? But then how can I continue to fight their behavior? I know I can forgive once the danger is over. But can I forgive myself for the pain and damage caused? Can I forgive myself for causing pain day in and day out? Meanwhile I don't understand the rest of the world. I don't understand how I can relate to the person that stands in front of me at the check out line. I don't understand the people I'm trying to get a job from. I don't even understand what "normal' even starts to encompass. The difference between normal and truth. How to live in a world of multiple truths.
Damn. Everything was so easier when I was a kid. The world was so much simpler. I just wanted people to be happy. I just wanted to be liked. I didn't need to understand.
*laughs* this is what I get for thinking too much. I really think too much and act too little. But I how do I start such a dance?
damn questions. It's always the same ones. Why do I exist. Exactly who am I? What am I?
Meanwhile the world keeps spinning. And then how do I start such a dance. How do I step.
Oh, and in the meantime my computer is dead. I just made a picture to use for the new enb layout and then my battery died before I could upload it. Well it could be alot worse though. At the least all the information is still there. I just can't get any power to it to access that information.
I really need a job. x_x; Take my mind off of everything. Is that escapism? Probably. Also the money would be helpful. I think I might have to ask my folks for a little compensation for paying for my schooling this summer. I hope Giant Eagle gets back to me soon. I'm getting pretty desprete. Desprete enough to go back to McDonalds. Maybe I should go into nursing like my mother wants me to.
Oh yes. Another thing to talk about. I've always had interests in all sorts of fields. Almost everything under the sun (pun not intented), minus sports. Not a huge sports person. Well maybe if I studied football strategy more I'd be into sports, but anyways. I mentioned to my mother that medicine would be a fun field. Helping people all the time. Making an immediate difference in the world. And she jumped on me for it. She was all "you should go into nursing! It's such a good field! It's always in demand and you can make plenty of money. You can even work at night like you want to!" and she's been pushing me to think about it more.
I feel sort of bad though. I've spent 2 years studying Japanese and using up all that money for school. It wouldn't be completely wasting 2 years, but I'd most probably have to take another extra 2 years of school.
But I think I really honestly would enjoy nursing. I really enjoy helping people and it'd keep my interest. It would all be just endless mounds of meaningless paperwork. Sure, there'd be paperwork, but it'd be good paperwork. Stuff that helps people directly. Not like...tax forms. x_x ug. I hate paperwork. But then I can't work out in the sun or do gardening or something naturey.
Wow...this is a long entry. o_o; I didn't even know I needed to get that all out. Maybe I did. I talked to Nigaki a little about some of this stuff and she said something to the effect of "there are just some questions that the answer is 'it just is' "
Well now that I've ranted my brain out, I get to go back to searching for a job.
Don't bother trying to understand you're trying to get a job from, just make sure you pass the background check and psychological exam to work at blockbuster (for the love of god, don't apply there. I am waiting for my background check to go through so I can take a drug test...it's a VIDEO RENTAL PLACE!!!) You can't control what other's do, just try to help those they hurt. Oh, you are Erin. That is usually enough for others. You are you. Nothing more, nothing less.
Everybody has the "why do i exist" questions floting around. It's a byproduct of being less connected with other human beings. The more technology advances, the more empty society feels, and the more they feel this urge to connect, but lose the skills inherent in connecting with people. Hence my arguments with the internet occasionally, although i'm on it all the time.
A job isn't escapism, it's gives you something else to do so that you don't dwell on very deep, but in the end very depressing questions.
Oh, I said to my mom that I might end up teaching astronomy in the college one day, and she tried to get me to move towards teaching high school. no. no she can't make me teach high school. i know what they do there. especially to people like me. i wouldn't be able to take it.
Actually...nursing wouldn't be that bad a field for you. Plus, actually, you could do it. Most of your previous classes apply as gen-eds for the major...and you are signed up to take bio and chem classes in the fall. The science major classes. Though majoring in nursing in Penn State is rather difficult, because of the bizzare complications they keep putting out there. They keep moving the last two years, it's either in Hershey, or University Park. I'm not sure.
Sorry, my reply got long too...this is what I get for looking for a link for your page for my new webpage. I'll post the link soon. It keeps me busy until tonite, and then whenever i hear back from somewhere i applied to.
Oh, you'll hear back from somebody on one of your applications. remember, it takes time for them to go through them. and remember, no matter what you do, if you ask for an application, they have to give you one. legally :-) one of my former bosses told me that. you can tear apart a store, and be taken away by the police, but if you are still in the store being dragged away, if you ask for an application, they still have to give you one.